I think it's time for another update as I have had two pretty comical moments since November. I'm gonna give you some build up on these; the second one is worth the wait.
BG Update (I guess)
So I think BG and I are making negative progress, if you want to classify what is or isn't going on as any sort of progress.
The last time he was in town he texted me and I somewhat avoided meeting up with him. I was out with friends both weekend nights and could have easily told him to meet us somewhere, but I didn't. I wasn't trying to play games, I simply wanted to spend waking hours with my friends over him.
With that being said, Sunday night I decided to capitalize on him being in town and hang out with him. He told me to come over to his boss's house (which he was house-sitting), and of course I envision this colossal Santa Barbara villa overlooking the mountains. It didn't seem like TOO cray of an assumption as his boss owns a skate shop in town and shit is not cheap here.
Well, I was wrong. I drag my ass over there in the rain (ugh, hate even thinking about leaving my house), and the house is this tiny one bedroom house with shit everywhere. I'm not that picky about these things or judgmental about the house, but when I leave my house for this kind of thing, it should be worth it.
At first I suggest going back to my house and he asks me if I'll drive him back after (I think - couldn't you just drive yourself?). In typical fashion, I say I guess I could at some point...
He counters with "I think this is fun and different," LOL. I think it's kinda gross and not even his house. We end up staying there and hooking up on this couch - random papers everywhere.
After we're done, we sit awkwardly in living room and I decide that I was right about being somewhat over this earlier in the weekend. I drive home but wait in my car so that my roommate doesn't comment on me being over there for less than an hour - he has now nicknamed my weekend expeditions "Beegeehbangs".
Bartender Update
This one is a bit more shameful. Since my roommate got mono after me, we always discuss the source, even though I was previously convinced it was that bartender.
Well, said bartender texted me recently and approached me at his bar (this never happens, we always avoid each other when I'm in there - I also did not respond to any of his texts). This contact, coupled with recent discussions with my roommate about a possible mono transmission through my female coworker (no weird stuff, but we shared drinks and hung out a lot), gave me a recent interest in solving the mono mystery.
While I kind of know I can't solve the mono mystery ever for real, I wanted to know if this bartender at least had it - and since contact was now open, it became a mono mission.
Like most of my solo missions, it ended questionably. I showed up at his bar and didn't really talk to him. He texted me "where you at" a few times after he got off work. Eventually, I was home and pretty drunk when I got another where-you-at-type text.
Some sort of desperation came over me. I responded that I was home and falling asleep, and that he had 10 minutes to get here. BOLD, right? OBVIOUSLY he showed up - who wouldn't after getting that text?
Once he arrived, it took me less than 5 minutes to make fun of CrossFat, the gym cult that he was a member of when we met, and is now a coach at. I'm sad to report that my gym is now a CrossFat gym as well, but we are not bro.
Post CrossFat convos and a few shots of Fireball, I continue in boldness and tell him I am tired of standing in the living room. Just to note, my living room is fucking freezing at night, and lately, it's been between 32 and 40 at night here.
We go to my room, and as shit starts going down, I bring up mono. He rather convincingly says that he has never had it, and I (I'd like to think tastefully, but probably not) give him a brief overview of death mono. That convo ends and doesn't seem to put a halt to anything.
Since I can't get enough of being awkward and capitalizing on moments, I also say at a prime moment, "does this mean I finally get free drinks at your bar?" He replies "I think we can work something out". UMM, I think this shit is working it out homeboy.
All of this Bobby and Whitney chaos ends around 11AM when he gets a call from his landlord about some lease shit and doesn't neglect to mention CrossFat, and how he makes $1500 a month there IN ADDITION to bartending - baller.
Fast-Forward a few weeks: I show up at his bar and NO FREE DRINKS! Game over.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Thursday, October 25, 2012
BG Update + Other Happenings
Hi, okay so I am over the takes-teeth-out bartender (mentioned previously) for now. He's too cray and you know I have that looming fear of SUPERAIDS, since he has literally slept with the whole town.
Quick detour - I don't think I ever wrote about this, but this guy messaged me on OkCupid once, and like all the others, I ignored him. A few weeks later, he ended up being a friend of a friend and I didn't recognize him from OkCupid. Unfortunately, he recognized me and super-awkwardly kept asking me questions to get me to figure it out - like: Hey where do I know you from? Hmm, did we meet before? Was it online? OHHH, now I finally get it, OkCupid, the bane of my existence. Once I figured it out, I was immediately over any potential chance for conversation with him. This was probably a year or more ago, but I recently ran into him again at da clubz, continued to avoid.
In other news, I hung out with BG last weekend since he is back from his Euro tour. He has since cut off his dreads (which I surprisingly liked) and now looks his age - 24, but he still looks good. We had a romantic evening watching some episodes of Fresh Prince and Swamp People, ending with, finally, a non-awk hookup. He was in town for like 5 days or something, but that was the only time I saw him, although this was our first relatively-sober conversation night. I say "relatively" because we may have perhaps shared a glass of wine and some Jameson, but sadly for me, that's better than usual.
He always does this thing where he leaves in the middle of the night, which really bothers me for some reason, and he didn't exactly do that this time. However, he was staying at his old boss's house who had to leave early in the AM, so he had to get there by 6AM to get back in - which for me is technically the middle of the night - but for others, it's morning.
So I wish I had something funnier to add, but the only funny moment was when he asked me if I had condoms, followed by, "do you have Magnums?" Why yes, of course I keep a full collection of every type of condom size, brand, flavor, and material manufactured in my bedside table.
Quick detour - I don't think I ever wrote about this, but this guy messaged me on OkCupid once, and like all the others, I ignored him. A few weeks later, he ended up being a friend of a friend and I didn't recognize him from OkCupid. Unfortunately, he recognized me and super-awkwardly kept asking me questions to get me to figure it out - like: Hey where do I know you from? Hmm, did we meet before? Was it online? OHHH, now I finally get it, OkCupid, the bane of my existence. Once I figured it out, I was immediately over any potential chance for conversation with him. This was probably a year or more ago, but I recently ran into him again at da clubz, continued to avoid.
In other news, I hung out with BG last weekend since he is back from his Euro tour. He has since cut off his dreads (which I surprisingly liked) and now looks his age - 24, but he still looks good. We had a romantic evening watching some episodes of Fresh Prince and Swamp People, ending with, finally, a non-awk hookup. He was in town for like 5 days or something, but that was the only time I saw him, although this was our first relatively-sober conversation night. I say "relatively" because we may have perhaps shared a glass of wine and some Jameson, but sadly for me, that's better than usual.
He always does this thing where he leaves in the middle of the night, which really bothers me for some reason, and he didn't exactly do that this time. However, he was staying at his old boss's house who had to leave early in the AM, so he had to get there by 6AM to get back in - which for me is technically the middle of the night - but for others, it's morning.
So I wish I had something funnier to add, but the only funny moment was when he asked me if I had condoms, followed by, "do you have Magnums?" Why yes, of course I keep a full collection of every type of condom size, brand, flavor, and material manufactured in my bedside table.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Post Fiesta Update
Wow, so I actually have a surprising amount of updates. Sorry to make this post super long, but here's what has happened since the last post.
1. BG update
2. Friend's wedding
3. Bartender update
Let's start with #1.
So I thought I already wrote about this, but guess not. I continued to text him through the weekend and finally ended up meeting up with him on Saturday night of Fiesta. At this point I had been drinking ALL day but less at the end so I was more sober than I wanted to be, and unable to get really re-drunk.
I meet up with him at the original bar that we met at on Saturday and he is fairly drunk and being kind of a dick to me. At first I'm kind of annoyed/tired, so when he walks over to his friend to chat, I start talking to the people next to me. Embarrassingly, the girl asks me how I know BG, and I hesitate and say "I know him from this bar actually". Of course she responds awkwardly with "Oh...well he's a good guy". UGH. Then I started talking to one of the guys and BG magically reappears.
I'm chatting with BG about how last time he came over ended awkwardly and he mentions that I pretty much made him leave. Um, not quite, but I agree that it was awkward. Long story short, we leave and go to my house. At which point he tells me I'm in charge (duh).
Post hookup and post all of the me-making-him-leave-convo BS he tells me he has to go because he has a bike race in the morning. I'm like "UMMM I don't think so after all of the crap you gave me". We argue about it for a while, and when I say that he can probably ride his bike after sleeping here, he replies with "YOU DON'T KNOW ME". Then, we hookup again, after which he says "Okay I really have to go".
At this point I'm like okay fine and he's like "Bye babe". HAHA.
I've drunk texted with him briefly since, not to be confused with sexted, which has not happened.
2. My bridezilla cray friend got married a couple weeks ago in the hottest weather ever (104 on the day of the wedding). It was a 5 day wedding extravaganza ending with the party on a Sunday night.
The party ends up being pretty fun despite bride bitch's crayness leading up to it. One of my friends went through the guest list with her in advance to identify the 3 single men. Apparently she did a poor job because one of the groomsmen was single as well as one of the bartenders from her now husbands bar - none of these guys were identified during the screening process.
So, another friend points out the bartender, who I soon make fun of and nickname Magic Mike because he looks all dumb and smiley. At some point I change my mind as someone points out that he checked me out - game on.
I decide at one point that I am just going to get really drunk at this wedding because a. it's fun and b. it's been the longest fucking week of my life. My drunk level gets to the point where I do a public dance floor worm, in my bridesmaid dress.
Post-wedding, we all after party at the hotel, at which point I decide, I want to get REALLY HIGH too. We share two joints between 6 or 7 people and voila - I get really high. Partying continues until 4AM when this recently married guy gets drunk and creepy- at which point I say game over. As we're all leaving, Magic Mike notes that he left his alcohol cooler in one of my friends rooms. At which point, another friend suggests he should GET SOMEONE"S NUMBER (I'm like, I'm Handling it, bruh). So I get his number and show him that I added him as Magic Mike, haha.
Everyone goes in their rooms and we wait awkwardly in the hallway until I'm like, "so what do you wanna do?" We make out a bit in the hallway until someone opens the door - then I say that this hallway scene is not gonna work, so we move to the ice machine. Once that option expires via passerbyers, he insists on getting a room.
At this point its like 445AM, so I am kind of resistant to this idea since a room costs like $180. Regardless, we end up in the lobby. Somehow I am shoeless and without any possessions except my phone - classy. The hotel front desk bitch says "You guys are still up?" alluding to the fact that she told us to be quiet hours ago.
The first thing I do when we get to the room is turn the AC to 40 degrees - kind of extreme but it didn't seem to work that well. I remember thinking I had never felt this gross and sticky before.
We start messing around and I ask if he has a condom. He doesn't and says we'll just have to fool around. WHAT?! Who spends nearly $200 on a hotel room without bothering to get a condom. Remember how I said he didn't seem smart before? LOL. So we hook up and it takes FOREVER. I really wanted to sleep at one point but felt kinda bad that he paid for the room.
That's pretty much the end of that story 'til I walk o' shame back to my real room at 9am.
3. Bartender
So I still haven't banged this bartender and I still want to. I'm not sure why it hasn't happened yet, but here's the latest.
My roommate and I decide to get a burger at around 8PM at bartender's workplace. There are no seats, so we sit at the bar and he's working. I guess he was embarrassed from the teeth-removing night because he would not come to talk to us for the first 10 minutes.
Once he gets over that he comes to say hi and and we magically have replacement beers as soon as we finish our first IPAs. He then asks if we're going out and I kind of say yes since I can't say no to him. Soon, the three of us are doing shots and drinking mixed drinks before we head downtown.
Once he gets off we go to this fancy Hollywoodish bar and I am totally under-dressed in shorts and a moneky tee-shirt. Luckily, I am also drunk so I don't care. Once we get there we bypass all of the security because this bartender is the most VIP person my roommate and I have ever met in Santa Barbara.
We get drunker at that bar then leave to go to the bar where I met the BG..haha. At this bar I am pretty rrruuunk and I can't remember exactly what happened. I do know that at one point I was chatting with the bartender I said "Okay, I don't want to be in a bar anymore, where are we going?" BOLD. He responded to this comment with something in his typical range of cray like "I'll fuck the shit out of you, if you want me to"> As we know, I am not good at direct, despite asking for it with my question. I honestly don't remember what I said to that except something about how I was leaving. As I am about to go, he kisses me and I leave with my roommate.
I get bartender's number from roommate and text him something lame like "Why am I going home?"
Since I am really drunk I am failing to notice that my roommate may be even more drunk. We end up falling asleep on the same couch, and I wake up at 6AM with a dead arm. Struggles at work on Friday - I show up at 945AM.
Anyway, I'm pretty sure bartender situation will happen soon enough.
1. BG update
2. Friend's wedding
3. Bartender update
Let's start with #1.
So I thought I already wrote about this, but guess not. I continued to text him through the weekend and finally ended up meeting up with him on Saturday night of Fiesta. At this point I had been drinking ALL day but less at the end so I was more sober than I wanted to be, and unable to get really re-drunk.
I meet up with him at the original bar that we met at on Saturday and he is fairly drunk and being kind of a dick to me. At first I'm kind of annoyed/tired, so when he walks over to his friend to chat, I start talking to the people next to me. Embarrassingly, the girl asks me how I know BG, and I hesitate and say "I know him from this bar actually". Of course she responds awkwardly with "Oh...well he's a good guy". UGH. Then I started talking to one of the guys and BG magically reappears.
I'm chatting with BG about how last time he came over ended awkwardly and he mentions that I pretty much made him leave. Um, not quite, but I agree that it was awkward. Long story short, we leave and go to my house. At which point he tells me I'm in charge (duh).
Post hookup and post all of the me-making-him-leave-convo BS he tells me he has to go because he has a bike race in the morning. I'm like "UMMM I don't think so after all of the crap you gave me". We argue about it for a while, and when I say that he can probably ride his bike after sleeping here, he replies with "YOU DON'T KNOW ME". Then, we hookup again, after which he says "Okay I really have to go".
At this point I'm like okay fine and he's like "Bye babe". HAHA.
I've drunk texted with him briefly since, not to be confused with sexted, which has not happened.
2. My bridezilla cray friend got married a couple weeks ago in the hottest weather ever (104 on the day of the wedding). It was a 5 day wedding extravaganza ending with the party on a Sunday night.
The party ends up being pretty fun despite bride bitch's crayness leading up to it. One of my friends went through the guest list with her in advance to identify the 3 single men. Apparently she did a poor job because one of the groomsmen was single as well as one of the bartenders from her now husbands bar - none of these guys were identified during the screening process.
So, another friend points out the bartender, who I soon make fun of and nickname Magic Mike because he looks all dumb and smiley. At some point I change my mind as someone points out that he checked me out - game on.
I decide at one point that I am just going to get really drunk at this wedding because a. it's fun and b. it's been the longest fucking week of my life. My drunk level gets to the point where I do a public dance floor worm, in my bridesmaid dress.
Post-wedding, we all after party at the hotel, at which point I decide, I want to get REALLY HIGH too. We share two joints between 6 or 7 people and voila - I get really high. Partying continues until 4AM when this recently married guy gets drunk and creepy- at which point I say game over. As we're all leaving, Magic Mike notes that he left his alcohol cooler in one of my friends rooms. At which point, another friend suggests he should GET SOMEONE"S NUMBER (I'm like, I'm Handling it, bruh). So I get his number and show him that I added him as Magic Mike, haha.
Everyone goes in their rooms and we wait awkwardly in the hallway until I'm like, "so what do you wanna do?" We make out a bit in the hallway until someone opens the door - then I say that this hallway scene is not gonna work, so we move to the ice machine. Once that option expires via passerbyers, he insists on getting a room.
At this point its like 445AM, so I am kind of resistant to this idea since a room costs like $180. Regardless, we end up in the lobby. Somehow I am shoeless and without any possessions except my phone - classy. The hotel front desk bitch says "You guys are still up?" alluding to the fact that she told us to be quiet hours ago.
The first thing I do when we get to the room is turn the AC to 40 degrees - kind of extreme but it didn't seem to work that well. I remember thinking I had never felt this gross and sticky before.
We start messing around and I ask if he has a condom. He doesn't and says we'll just have to fool around. WHAT?! Who spends nearly $200 on a hotel room without bothering to get a condom. Remember how I said he didn't seem smart before? LOL. So we hook up and it takes FOREVER. I really wanted to sleep at one point but felt kinda bad that he paid for the room.
That's pretty much the end of that story 'til I walk o' shame back to my real room at 9am.
3. Bartender
So I still haven't banged this bartender and I still want to. I'm not sure why it hasn't happened yet, but here's the latest.
My roommate and I decide to get a burger at around 8PM at bartender's workplace. There are no seats, so we sit at the bar and he's working. I guess he was embarrassed from the teeth-removing night because he would not come to talk to us for the first 10 minutes.
Once he gets over that he comes to say hi and and we magically have replacement beers as soon as we finish our first IPAs. He then asks if we're going out and I kind of say yes since I can't say no to him. Soon, the three of us are doing shots and drinking mixed drinks before we head downtown.
Once he gets off we go to this fancy Hollywoodish bar and I am totally under-dressed in shorts and a moneky tee-shirt. Luckily, I am also drunk so I don't care. Once we get there we bypass all of the security because this bartender is the most VIP person my roommate and I have ever met in Santa Barbara.
We get drunker at that bar then leave to go to the bar where I met the BG..haha. At this bar I am pretty rrruuunk and I can't remember exactly what happened. I do know that at one point I was chatting with the bartender I said "Okay, I don't want to be in a bar anymore, where are we going?" BOLD. He responded to this comment with something in his typical range of cray like "I'll fuck the shit out of you, if you want me to"> As we know, I am not good at direct, despite asking for it with my question. I honestly don't remember what I said to that except something about how I was leaving. As I am about to go, he kisses me and I leave with my roommate.
I get bartender's number from roommate and text him something lame like "Why am I going home?"
Since I am really drunk I am failing to notice that my roommate may be even more drunk. We end up falling asleep on the same couch, and I wake up at 6AM with a dead arm. Struggles at work on Friday - I show up at 945AM.
Anyway, I'm pretty sure bartender situation will happen soon enough.
Friday, August 3, 2012
BG Texting
Since I'm cray, I was stalking BG on Twitter and noticed that he was posting pics from SB, meaning he is in town. I've been texting back and forth with him all week, with suggestions of meeting up but it never really happens.
Last night, he did his usual "what's up" 11:45PM text, kind of annoying since I work the next day and don't go to the bars on weeknights usually. I decided to reply "come over," kind of slutty I know, but I don't feel like pretending that I want to be in a bar so I can skip getting ready/walking over/having a drink when it all ends the same.
Here's how the rest of the convo went:
BG: idk I'll see how I feel.You gonna be up for a while
ME: (pissed) Probably not.
BG: I pretty faded. Idk if I could ride that far.
ME: Not enough X in BMX?
BG: Ha don't ride that one drunk
I'm just gonna pause here to mention that he is CLEARLY not getting my jokes at all. It's like midnight now.
ME: Well how long are you in town this time?
BG: Till next week
ME: Maybe we can try harder to hang out this weekend. Or you can just leave magnums in my room.
Pause again - I don't know why I thought this comment was so funny since I was kinda being dumb that night...but it's always funny until it's not, right?
BG: Haha yea for sure
Still not getting jokes. It's 1AM now.
BG: You didn't want to sleep with me so I had nothing to do with them
The above text is when it was less funny. At this point, I FINALLY realize he is just drunk and not understanding what I'm saying at all.
ME: Haha it was the first time we really hung out. I was just kidding, but it was funny to find those. I do want to hang out before you leave though, so call me tomorrow.
So much for trying to be less awkward. Maybe I'll have an update after this weekend, but not if this kind of BS continues on my end, lol.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Okay, maybe I’m not AS done with bartenders as I thought
I’ve
had a crush on the bartender at my favorite restaurant/bar for a while.
He has a big time bromance with my roommate, so we see him often and
hang out only when we run into him at the bars.
He’s pretty out of my league (in coolness) and his last girlfriend was basically a model. He’s just kind of the ultimate cool personality, haha.
One day a few months back we were brunching at his restaurant for a friends goodbye party. It was one of those brunches with unlimited minosas so you either get sick full or blackout ruuunnk. I chose the later, since being full didn’t sound as good. I don’t exactly remember leaving the restaurant except for a couple highlights. 1. I remember saying a tearfully dramatic goodbye to my friend (gotta love the public cry) and 2. looking for this bartender to say who knows what before I left.
Luckily, I didn’t find him, but I did seem to think a Facebook message was the next best idea. I said “Where you at Utah?” Yes, it could have been much worse, but still kind of embarrassing since I go to this place a few times a week.
I never got a response and somewhat forgot about it until a couple weeks ago when he gave me this weird look for across the bar. I’m not very observant of these things but I kind of got the vibe.
On Saturday, I ran into him outside of a different bar. He was hammered. Whenever we run into him hammered we never know what we’ll get (last time he picked up both me and my roommate at the same time). This time, he insisted on buying me, my roommate and our other friend a shot. We were fairly sober, so this was an unexpected turn considering we didn’t leave the house until after 11.
Post-shot, he literally takes out 4 or 5 of his top and bottom front teeth. This was a very Kid Rock/midwest moment, but pretty hilarious nonetheless.
Out of nowhere he tells me that I shouldn’t be wearing a crossover purse because “people just want to motorboat you, but I mean I won’t” HAHA. I’m really just wearing a tank top, nothing cray.
Then I walk away to hang with some friends who came in from out of town, and I overhear him talking to my roommate about me. He thought we were together, like beyond roommates (not surprising, we’re co-dep and everyone thinks so) and then started saying all kinds of cray shit.
Later he tries to kiss me and tells me he is leaving and taking me with him. In my historical first exercise of self control I have to turn him down (because I have out of town people and the stuff he was saying was really pretty ridic). I immediately look at my friend and say that I made the wrong decision, lol.
He proceeds to kidnap my roommate and take him on an adventure after asking me if he should (I said yes not knowing what that would entail/not my decision).
My roommate shows up an hour later, telling me that he is crazy (duh) and that he showed him a pic of his roommate and suggested a "roommate switch".
The story ends there for now. Oh, and Fiesta is next weekend...
He’s pretty out of my league (in coolness) and his last girlfriend was basically a model. He’s just kind of the ultimate cool personality, haha.
One day a few months back we were brunching at his restaurant for a friends goodbye party. It was one of those brunches with unlimited minosas so you either get sick full or blackout ruuunnk. I chose the later, since being full didn’t sound as good. I don’t exactly remember leaving the restaurant except for a couple highlights. 1. I remember saying a tearfully dramatic goodbye to my friend (gotta love the public cry) and 2. looking for this bartender to say who knows what before I left.
Luckily, I didn’t find him, but I did seem to think a Facebook message was the next best idea. I said “Where you at Utah?” Yes, it could have been much worse, but still kind of embarrassing since I go to this place a few times a week.
I never got a response and somewhat forgot about it until a couple weeks ago when he gave me this weird look for across the bar. I’m not very observant of these things but I kind of got the vibe.
On Saturday, I ran into him outside of a different bar. He was hammered. Whenever we run into him hammered we never know what we’ll get (last time he picked up both me and my roommate at the same time). This time, he insisted on buying me, my roommate and our other friend a shot. We were fairly sober, so this was an unexpected turn considering we didn’t leave the house until after 11.
Post-shot, he literally takes out 4 or 5 of his top and bottom front teeth. This was a very Kid Rock/midwest moment, but pretty hilarious nonetheless.
Out of nowhere he tells me that I shouldn’t be wearing a crossover purse because “people just want to motorboat you, but I mean I won’t” HAHA. I’m really just wearing a tank top, nothing cray.
Then I walk away to hang with some friends who came in from out of town, and I overhear him talking to my roommate about me. He thought we were together, like beyond roommates (not surprising, we’re co-dep and everyone thinks so) and then started saying all kinds of cray shit.
Later he tries to kiss me and tells me he is leaving and taking me with him. In my historical first exercise of self control I have to turn him down (because I have out of town people and the stuff he was saying was really pretty ridic). I immediately look at my friend and say that I made the wrong decision, lol.
He proceeds to kidnap my roommate and take him on an adventure after asking me if he should (I said yes not knowing what that would entail/not my decision).
My roommate shows up an hour later, telling me that he is crazy (duh) and that he showed him a pic of his roommate and suggested a "roommate switch".
The story ends there for now. Oh, and Fiesta is next weekend...
BG Part 2
Since
the first BG put his full name in my phone, I decide to google him. He
turns out to be a pro BMX dude with tons of pics/videos online. That
made for a fun hour of stalking at work, and even though he was intense,
I became rather intrigued by his “celebrity.”
I casually texted with him the next week, keeping it super vague because I was slightly intimidated by the idea of a meetup. By the time Saturday comes + 3 beers, it finally sounds like a good idea. I meet up with him at a bar (with like 20 friends randomly), and he ends up actually being pretty cool. We all go to a new bar, and the friend he came with really wants to leave, so he asks if he can message me later. My typical awk response was “um, maybe but I have a bunch of people staying with me.”
Fast-Forward like twenty minutes of me thinking I don’t care that he left and I suddenly care. I text him to come back and he does. We walk to 7-Eleven, and then back to my house. I didn’t intend on bringing him home, but I obviously didn’t feel too strongly about it.
When we get to my house, my roommate and his cousin show up at about the same time. We all start watching TV and after a bit, the two of us are in my room.
I won’t go into details but here are some highlights:
- Me: “I don’t know if I want to be THIS naked”
- Him: “Can we turn on the lights?” Me: “Nope.”
Yikes. Needless to say, I haven't heard from him since besides a text or two.
I casually texted with him the next week, keeping it super vague because I was slightly intimidated by the idea of a meetup. By the time Saturday comes + 3 beers, it finally sounds like a good idea. I meet up with him at a bar (with like 20 friends randomly), and he ends up actually being pretty cool. We all go to a new bar, and the friend he came with really wants to leave, so he asks if he can message me later. My typical awk response was “um, maybe but I have a bunch of people staying with me.”
Fast-Forward like twenty minutes of me thinking I don’t care that he left and I suddenly care. I text him to come back and he does. We walk to 7-Eleven, and then back to my house. I didn’t intend on bringing him home, but I obviously didn’t feel too strongly about it.
When we get to my house, my roommate and his cousin show up at about the same time. We all start watching TV and after a bit, the two of us are in my room.
I won’t go into details but here are some highlights:
- Me: “I don’t know if I want to be THIS naked”
- Him: “Can we turn on the lights?” Me: “Nope.”
Yikes. Needless to say, I haven't heard from him since besides a text or two.
Finally Caught Up!
Alright! Those last few stories were a bit abbreviated, but at least we’re up to date.
A few weeks ago, my roommate comes home at around 10:45 on a Saturday night. I'm laying on the couch, in my pajamas, watching TV. He insists that we need to “go out and socialize!” which initiates a conversation about how going out does not necessarily mean we are socializing with anyone other than each other or our friends. Regardless, I agree to go out, and he suggests that we have a contest to see if we can meet people in bars. I immediately reject that idea since I've had a very low success rate of meeting people in bars. If you count getting mono as being successful, then I super win.
Anyway, we never agree on terms or anything, but we have a good laugh. We proceed to share a bottle of wine (predrink of winners with purps teeth) and head out to our new fav karaoke bar.
I manage to do a good amount of damage over the next hour, getting surprisingly intoxicated. This is unbenounced to me, however, because I think I’m really sober. Next, we run into some friends and hit the dance floor (and by “hit” I mean I probably dance awkwardly like usual).
At some point, I start to non-committally dance with this one BG (black guy, meant in the most endearing way, trust). As usual, I am semi-oblivious to what is happening, and my roommate mentions that I should talk to him. After that, my roommate disappears, I’m like - fine, I’ll try this one time.
I As we're chatting, I drop my phone and as I go to pick it up, I finally realize I’m not just that cool sober person I had imagined. Next thing I know, I am making out with him in public, next to a dance floor. Keep it classy.
Not too long after, it gets too intense and I’m like GTGKBYE. I get his number, etc.
Next bar, I meet another BG on the dancefloor (something that never happens, ever). I have to say I don’t remember too much about him, but we bumpbumpygrindgrind danced for a bit and insisted on getting my number.
He texted me something like “it was cool meeting you, we have to hang out soon” at 3AM and I never heard from him again.
A few weeks ago, my roommate comes home at around 10:45 on a Saturday night. I'm laying on the couch, in my pajamas, watching TV. He insists that we need to “go out and socialize!” which initiates a conversation about how going out does not necessarily mean we are socializing with anyone other than each other or our friends. Regardless, I agree to go out, and he suggests that we have a contest to see if we can meet people in bars. I immediately reject that idea since I've had a very low success rate of meeting people in bars. If you count getting mono as being successful, then I super win.
Anyway, we never agree on terms or anything, but we have a good laugh. We proceed to share a bottle of wine (predrink of winners with purps teeth) and head out to our new fav karaoke bar.
I manage to do a good amount of damage over the next hour, getting surprisingly intoxicated. This is unbenounced to me, however, because I think I’m really sober. Next, we run into some friends and hit the dance floor (and by “hit” I mean I probably dance awkwardly like usual).
At some point, I start to non-committally dance with this one BG (black guy, meant in the most endearing way, trust). As usual, I am semi-oblivious to what is happening, and my roommate mentions that I should talk to him. After that, my roommate disappears, I’m like - fine, I’ll try this one time.
I As we're chatting, I drop my phone and as I go to pick it up, I finally realize I’m not just that cool sober person I had imagined. Next thing I know, I am making out with him in public, next to a dance floor. Keep it classy.
Not too long after, it gets too intense and I’m like GTGKBYE. I get his number, etc.
Next bar, I meet another BG on the dancefloor (something that never happens, ever). I have to say I don’t remember too much about him, but we bumpbumpygrindgrind danced for a bit and insisted on getting my number.
He texted me something like “it was cool meeting you, we have to hang out soon” at 3AM and I never heard from him again.
Conrad
Remember
Conrad? Read back a bit if you don’t. Well, I’ve seen him a few times
since the last post, but not in an effortful way, more like in a hey our friends are all friends so we end up at the same events type of way.
He came up to Santa Barbara for the weekend a while back and we actually hooked up SOBER. Sadly, my drunken hookups/mistakes/shitshows drastically outnumber sober happenings, so this was exciting. So exciting that I felt the need to say “Hey, we’re sober!” Gotta keep it awkward.
I don’t have too many good stories other than that, but I decided before he got to Santa Barbara that I was definitely going to hook up with him and also that he was not really into me. I know this sounds dumb (and perhaps is one of the definitions of slutty), but that was what was happening.
I think since I was sober, I never had second thoughts on this decision, and I still don’t think it ended up being too problematic.
Why not?
He came up to Santa Barbara for the weekend a while back and we actually hooked up SOBER. Sadly, my drunken hookups/mistakes/shitshows drastically outnumber sober happenings, so this was exciting. So exciting that I felt the need to say “Hey, we’re sober!” Gotta keep it awkward.
I don’t have too many good stories other than that, but I decided before he got to Santa Barbara that I was definitely going to hook up with him and also that he was not really into me. I know this sounds dumb (and perhaps is one of the definitions of slutty), but that was what was happening.
I think since I was sober, I never had second thoughts on this decision, and I still don’t think it ended up being too problematic.
Why not?
Coworkers
That
“don’t shit where you eat” really hits home for me these days. This next
story was not a high point, but it’s an important development to
include here. Please pardon my seriousness.
I spent the majority of last year working for a fairly small company. We had about 15-20 people in the office at the very most. One day, we got a new coworker. He was cool enough, though I never really found myself particularly drawn to him. We had a lot of crazies, so it was nice to have someone who seemed fairly reasonable around.
This particular co-worker seemed to laugh at my jokes a lot and pay particular attention to what I was saying. This is not something I noticed initially AT ALL; I tend to be oblivious to a lot of stuff like this. Also, he was engaged, so it really wasn’t on my mind at all.
One Friday, some co-workers and I decide to meet for happy hour after work. Anytime I leave my house alone to go to a bar, whether or not I have plans to meet people, I now call a “solo mission” (I have since tried to avoid solo missions, FYI).
To make this infinitely long story tolerable, I’ll tell you that I met up with this co-worker at a bar with his friends and things went downhill from there. After the first bar we went to the second, and then we went to a bar that I only go to/is only fun when I am blacked out. I remember being in the bar partially, but I have no recollection of leaving. The next thing I know, I wake up in bed with probably the worst feeling I have ever experienced (as a result of my own actions completely) FUCK.
FUCK FUCK FUCK.
Next, I get a text “I guess work won’t be awkward now.”
Since I can’t get my head at all around whatever happened, I finally force myself out of bed at 2:45PM.
The next week, and probably for the following two to three months, I went through a period of extreme shame. Sure, everyone has their drunk fuck ups, but this was not some random person, this was unfortunately someone who I sat NEXT TO at work and was engaged.
Enough dwelling on that. It finally becomes funny/alarming when I realized his level of obsession with me. I entertained some hilarious texts I probably should have ignored, and get all kinds of crazy messages at all hours of the night.
My favorite series suggested that something was happening with my roommate. After my lacking text response, I get a text saying “moustache ride?” which is saved in my phone.
This happened almost a year ago, and it took me about six months to be completely over it.
In case you were wondering, him and his fiance are no longer together. I highly doubt that this was because of me. I also happen to know that I was one of many of his indiscretions.
Glad to be done with that one.
I spent the majority of last year working for a fairly small company. We had about 15-20 people in the office at the very most. One day, we got a new coworker. He was cool enough, though I never really found myself particularly drawn to him. We had a lot of crazies, so it was nice to have someone who seemed fairly reasonable around.
This particular co-worker seemed to laugh at my jokes a lot and pay particular attention to what I was saying. This is not something I noticed initially AT ALL; I tend to be oblivious to a lot of stuff like this. Also, he was engaged, so it really wasn’t on my mind at all.
One Friday, some co-workers and I decide to meet for happy hour after work. Anytime I leave my house alone to go to a bar, whether or not I have plans to meet people, I now call a “solo mission” (I have since tried to avoid solo missions, FYI).
To make this infinitely long story tolerable, I’ll tell you that I met up with this co-worker at a bar with his friends and things went downhill from there. After the first bar we went to the second, and then we went to a bar that I only go to/is only fun when I am blacked out. I remember being in the bar partially, but I have no recollection of leaving. The next thing I know, I wake up in bed with probably the worst feeling I have ever experienced (as a result of my own actions completely) FUCK.
FUCK FUCK FUCK.
Next, I get a text “I guess work won’t be awkward now.”
Since I can’t get my head at all around whatever happened, I finally force myself out of bed at 2:45PM.
The next week, and probably for the following two to three months, I went through a period of extreme shame. Sure, everyone has their drunk fuck ups, but this was not some random person, this was unfortunately someone who I sat NEXT TO at work and was engaged.
Enough dwelling on that. It finally becomes funny/alarming when I realized his level of obsession with me. I entertained some hilarious texts I probably should have ignored, and get all kinds of crazy messages at all hours of the night.
My favorite series suggested that something was happening with my roommate. After my lacking text response, I get a text saying “moustache ride?” which is saved in my phone.
This happened almost a year ago, and it took me about six months to be completely over it.
In case you were wondering, him and his fiance are no longer together. I highly doubt that this was because of me. I also happen to know that I was one of many of his indiscretions.
Glad to be done with that one.
Bartenders
Let
me just preface this with - I am done with bartenders. I got to this
point almost as quickly as I was into the idea of bartenders. Actually, I
don’t know if I was ever really into the idea of bartenders as much as I was into one particular bartender.
He worked at a small bar across the street from my house. I say “worked” because he no longer works there. In fact, he hated his job while he was there. Anyway, he worked at this bar and was also getting an accounting degree. I know this because one day I tried to convince him the career path that he was (almost finished) pursuing was boring. Yeah, I’m pretty cool and helpful.
Moving on, I liked him (and the bar obviously) because he would make my friends and I fun drinks and charge us almost nothing. If he was in a particularly good mood, or if he had a shitty customer, he’d just add out bill to the customer. Nothing really came of this except one night I attempted to get his number. I failed because the number I got looked like XXX-XXX-XXX, rather than XXX-XXX-XXXX. So yeah, I missed a number.
On the same night, my friends and I left his bar to go to a different, bigger bar. This was actually a quite hilarious night that turned somewhat deadly.
At the new bar, we meet up with my roommates old friend who happens to be dating a significantly older woman. Her age is of interest because my other friends and I bet on how old she was without figuring out how we would actually figure out her age. As a result of my level of drunk (it was high), I decide I can check out her ID in her wallet when she walks away. I know, SUUUPER fucked, but it happens. This age-check had to be done in phases since we were all playing darts and going to and from our bar table. Long story short, she ends up being ten years older, but more importantly, my roommate catches me and gives me his classic look of disapproval. Being somewhat over the events of the night and still drunk, I decide I’m dying of thirst. I walk over to the bar and order a water. This is the beginning of the end.
After I order the water, I proceed to chug it and order about three more. The bartender then tells me that I “seem thirsty”, haha. Then, since I’m still drunk, I decide it would be a good time to tell the ID check story. At some point in that story, my roommate signals that we need to leave (duh, I needed to leave before I got there), and the bartender asks for my number.
Since he’s pretty cute, I do it and then he texts me a couple days later - on a Monday. Next, I meet up with him after he gets off work, so he’s still in his polo with the bar’s logo and khakis - keepin’ it classy. He seems fairly buzzed so I decide to catch up. We both end up pretty drunk and you can guess how this ends. The next morning I drop him off at his house (on my way to work, so drive of shame) and notice that he’s pretty bruuuuuuh.
Fast-forward three months: I have death mono. I miss three weeks of work, lose almost 20lbs and visit urgent care 5 times for IVs, blood tests and to get on various medications. On visit four I learn I have Strep Throat as well. If this doesn’t seem that serious, I basically didn’t move from my couch and watched ALL 10 SEASONS of Ally McBeal in that time.
I can’t be sure that this bartender gave me mono, but since this was the beginning of the slut awakening, I have few doubts.
He worked at a small bar across the street from my house. I say “worked” because he no longer works there. In fact, he hated his job while he was there. Anyway, he worked at this bar and was also getting an accounting degree. I know this because one day I tried to convince him the career path that he was (almost finished) pursuing was boring. Yeah, I’m pretty cool and helpful.
Moving on, I liked him (and the bar obviously) because he would make my friends and I fun drinks and charge us almost nothing. If he was in a particularly good mood, or if he had a shitty customer, he’d just add out bill to the customer. Nothing really came of this except one night I attempted to get his number. I failed because the number I got looked like XXX-XXX-XXX, rather than XXX-XXX-XXXX. So yeah, I missed a number.
On the same night, my friends and I left his bar to go to a different, bigger bar. This was actually a quite hilarious night that turned somewhat deadly.
At the new bar, we meet up with my roommates old friend who happens to be dating a significantly older woman. Her age is of interest because my other friends and I bet on how old she was without figuring out how we would actually figure out her age. As a result of my level of drunk (it was high), I decide I can check out her ID in her wallet when she walks away. I know, SUUUPER fucked, but it happens. This age-check had to be done in phases since we were all playing darts and going to and from our bar table. Long story short, she ends up being ten years older, but more importantly, my roommate catches me and gives me his classic look of disapproval. Being somewhat over the events of the night and still drunk, I decide I’m dying of thirst. I walk over to the bar and order a water. This is the beginning of the end.
After I order the water, I proceed to chug it and order about three more. The bartender then tells me that I “seem thirsty”, haha. Then, since I’m still drunk, I decide it would be a good time to tell the ID check story. At some point in that story, my roommate signals that we need to leave (duh, I needed to leave before I got there), and the bartender asks for my number.
Since he’s pretty cute, I do it and then he texts me a couple days later - on a Monday. Next, I meet up with him after he gets off work, so he’s still in his polo with the bar’s logo and khakis - keepin’ it classy. He seems fairly buzzed so I decide to catch up. We both end up pretty drunk and you can guess how this ends. The next morning I drop him off at his house (on my way to work, so drive of shame) and notice that he’s pretty bruuuuuuh.
Fast-forward three months: I have death mono. I miss three weeks of work, lose almost 20lbs and visit urgent care 5 times for IVs, blood tests and to get on various medications. On visit four I learn I have Strep Throat as well. If this doesn’t seem that serious, I basically didn’t move from my couch and watched ALL 10 SEASONS of Ally McBeal in that time.
I can’t be sure that this bartender gave me mono, but since this was the beginning of the slut awakening, I have few doubts.
Friday, April 1, 2011
"You remind me of my favorite porn star"
Either everyone was drinking last night, or random people just decided to April Foolz me. I really think it was a bit of both. I happened to be up particularly late last night, awaiting the arrival of some friends who will be staying the weekend for my birthday, and all of a sudden, I get a strange Facebook chat message.
Facebook chat is pretty shitty in general. It's really glitchy, and it's easy to message the wrong person. I never reconcile Facebook friends, so many of my friends are people I've met once or hardly even know; I know most of them, but there are always a few stragglers. One, in particular, was this guy I became FB friends with in college. I happen to remember my roommate encouraging me to add him because he was a child star in one of her favorite kids movies. Pretty weird, I know.
So, this guy sends me a message saying "hi." I responded, but assumed a. he meant to message someone else, or b. he was going to ask me for a donation or something. Anyway, the conversation continues, mostly out of boredom. He asks if we can switch to AIM, and at that point I mentioned it to my roommate (the same one who was there when I added him in the first place), and she tells me to talk to him.
Then, it gets weird. He starts asking me inappropriate questions. This is probably where the conversation should have ended, but it didn't. As incentive for me to answer, he tells me that I remind him of his favorite porn star. WTF. Do I really look like a PORN STAR?!?!?? Nope. I tell him that I'm pretty sure that's not a compliment. The conversation ends pretty quickly after that.
My stepbro was also being weird on Facebook chat. Nothing inapprops at all, but just very chatty. Why was I the only one who didn't drink a fifth of whiskey?! Anyway, here are my takeaways from this:
1. I thought cybersex ended like 15 years ago
2. Drinking on Thursday is the way to go, post college as well
3. This could have been my chance to have a sexting friend, but I think I'd need to know the person more than having watched their movie as a kid
That's my story of the week. My birthday party rager is coming up this weekend. It's a scavenger hunt pub crawl and should be good times. Maybe I'll make some memories to share.
XO
Facebook chat is pretty shitty in general. It's really glitchy, and it's easy to message the wrong person. I never reconcile Facebook friends, so many of my friends are people I've met once or hardly even know; I know most of them, but there are always a few stragglers. One, in particular, was this guy I became FB friends with in college. I happen to remember my roommate encouraging me to add him because he was a child star in one of her favorite kids movies. Pretty weird, I know.
So, this guy sends me a message saying "hi." I responded, but assumed a. he meant to message someone else, or b. he was going to ask me for a donation or something. Anyway, the conversation continues, mostly out of boredom. He asks if we can switch to AIM, and at that point I mentioned it to my roommate (the same one who was there when I added him in the first place), and she tells me to talk to him.
Then, it gets weird. He starts asking me inappropriate questions. This is probably where the conversation should have ended, but it didn't. As incentive for me to answer, he tells me that I remind him of his favorite porn star. WTF. Do I really look like a PORN STAR?!?!?? Nope. I tell him that I'm pretty sure that's not a compliment. The conversation ends pretty quickly after that.
My stepbro was also being weird on Facebook chat. Nothing inapprops at all, but just very chatty. Why was I the only one who didn't drink a fifth of whiskey?! Anyway, here are my takeaways from this:
1. I thought cybersex ended like 15 years ago
2. Drinking on Thursday is the way to go, post college as well
3. This could have been my chance to have a sexting friend, but I think I'd need to know the person more than having watched their movie as a kid
That's my story of the week. My birthday party rager is coming up this weekend. It's a scavenger hunt pub crawl and should be good times. Maybe I'll make some memories to share.
XO
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Sexting & The Zero Shame Zone (ZSZ)
Ugh so I have to say, I did not complete my sexting mission during this last hookup. I'm not a very naturally affectionate person, so initiating a sext convo is WAY out of my comfort zone; especially without repeat occurrences to sext about.
To be honest, I've definitely had thoughts about taking a bangbang trip to Conrad's quarters at some point in the next month, but I'm having a hard time bringing myself down to the Zero Shame Zone, also known as ZSZ. The ZSZ is a very important zone for girls to understand, and really, embrace. I say girls should know it only because guys already have it down. Girls- How many times have you told a guy flat out at the bar that he was a dick? I did that a few months ago - and yes, I did hit the ZSZ that evening - but more importantly, that guy must have done something pretty 'tard to receive that kind of response from me. Had I not blacked out on that Sunday afternoon to evening transition, I may have been able to pinpoint exactly what actions take you to this so-called zone, but it'll just have to remain unidentified until further notice.
Anyway, you really need to be in the ZSZ for sexting. In theory, it's pretty ridiculous. As cool as it would be to get a text at 9:34am saying "I'm not wearing boxers OR briefs," I can't imagine a positive reaction from every girl in lieu of this type of text.
My new mission is to get to this ZSZ on weekends. After watching short clips of Gary Busey on Celebrity Apprentice, a show I totally need to watch because I am a HUUUGE Busey fan, I think he's a great example of living in the ZSZalltheTIME.
Charlie Sheen is another great example. If any of you watched his 20/20 special tonight, you KNOW what I'm talking about. TIGERBLOOD.
Moving on - sexting mission remains incomplete.
To be honest, I've definitely had thoughts about taking a bangbang trip to Conrad's quarters at some point in the next month, but I'm having a hard time bringing myself down to the Zero Shame Zone, also known as ZSZ. The ZSZ is a very important zone for girls to understand, and really, embrace. I say girls should know it only because guys already have it down. Girls- How many times have you told a guy flat out at the bar that he was a dick? I did that a few months ago - and yes, I did hit the ZSZ that evening - but more importantly, that guy must have done something pretty 'tard to receive that kind of response from me. Had I not blacked out on that Sunday afternoon to evening transition, I may have been able to pinpoint exactly what actions take you to this so-called zone, but it'll just have to remain unidentified until further notice.
Anyway, you really need to be in the ZSZ for sexting. In theory, it's pretty ridiculous. As cool as it would be to get a text at 9:34am saying "I'm not wearing boxers OR briefs," I can't imagine a positive reaction from every girl in lieu of this type of text.
My new mission is to get to this ZSZ on weekends. After watching short clips of Gary Busey on Celebrity Apprentice, a show I totally need to watch because I am a HUUUGE Busey fan, I think he's a great example of living in the ZSZalltheTIME.
Charlie Sheen is another great example. If any of you watched his 20/20 special tonight, you KNOW what I'm talking about. TIGERBLOOD.
Moving on - sexting mission remains incomplete.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Son Diaaago Round Deux
After reading through some of these older entries, I think it's time for an update. Over the weekend I visited Sonnnn Diaaaaaago again (AKA the Whale's Vag.), accompanying my roommate on her annual bangbang trip. Yes, bangbang, you heard correctly.
I can't remember if I've already explained the bangbang trip scenario and I'm too lazy to go back and read what I've written, so here goes. The bangbang trip is a trip of a specified distance, taken purely for a hook-up. I've now accompanied my roommate on two of these trips. It used to be a hardcore source of making fun of her, but the tides have changed a bit this weekend.
Long story short, (even though this probably won't be short), I'm slowly but surely accomplishing what this blog strives for - being slutty. So, on the drive down to Son Diago, I decided to call the guy from this post, we'll call him Conrad; yes, the one I talk about as my "crush for the night." Anyway, he tells me he has to work, but ends up driving down later in the day. Just to catch you up, Conrad is best friends with my roommates bangbang, and we've slept in the same bed together twice so far, both times nothing really happened.
So, here's what happened over the weekend. I had been trying to meet up with him a few times, as he lives RIGHT near my mom in OC. Of course I would rather hang with him than a full 48-hour weekend with my psycho!-therapist mom. Unfortunately, this never ended up happening, mostly because you can't plan meetups on Facebook, you need phone numbers. Anyway, this created quite a bit of buildup, which is something, as an Aries, I can't resist. So, when he arrived in SD, I was pretty much ready to roll. And when I say roll, I mean literally roll on the ground because I was WAY TOO DRUNK. Don't get me wrong, I remember (almost) everything, and I didn't do anything I didn't want to, but I kind of wish I could remember a bit more.
We started at this crazy pub crawl, and eventually ended up at my favorite bar in the area. I remember just over zero of our conversation, meaning I'm sure I was like BLAHBLAHblahwhocareswhatI'mtalkingabout. Fast-forward to our friends house, the one we're staying at. So basically my roommate went to the bangbang room with her dude, leaving me and Conrad...and our friend - not an ideal living room situation. Our friend falls asleep super fast, and literally would sleep through WWII. Adding to that, he's hardcore snoring. This would be annoying under normal circumstances, but instead, it was a nice way to assure that he was sleeping. We were on this foldout couch mattress situation with a sleeping bag and blankets, probably a pretty gross scene. I'm not going to go into detail, but music was on and things were happening. All of a sudden I realized that one roommate was not home yet, and that he would probably get home at an inopportune time. I said this to Conrad, and he literally opened the door 30 seconds later. I'm sure shit was pretty obvious, but we did not move until he was in his room, door closed. STRUGGLES. Long story short, we had a living room smush situation (sorry, I've been watching WAYYY too much Jersey Shore!).
So all in all, I am slowly but surely making this blog a reality. My definition of "slutty" is expanding, as well as my lifestyle.
XO, thanks for reading!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Sexting
It's no secret that I think the idea of sexting is pretty cool. I've been joking about it forever, which is code for "I wish I was sexting." Of course I don't currently have a sexting friend, but the topic has become a constant source of conversational entertainment for my friends throughout the last month.
I think the fact that I don't have a sexting friend is reflective of a bigger issue; I don't have a local hookup. I'm really great at meaningless encounters with friend's of friends, but I suck at meeting people myself. There are several problems with friends of friends, all of which I am aware of, yet I make decisions accordingly.
1. You will probably see them again. This highlights all elements of weirdness that happened during the hookup. Maybe you don't remember a series of events or something didn't happen quite the way you had imagined; either way, there's a big fat, partially to fully nude elephant in the room. Let's be real: Unless you're this uber-cool superhuman who doesn't get weirded-out by anything, it will probably be weird EVEN if all went well. TRUST.
2. You will probably drink with them again. It's not like your hardcore-party-all-the-time-both-weekend-days lifestyle is going to come to an end anytime soon. Then what? Don't expect anything to repeat besides the circumstances in which you met the first time. And don't act all crazy when they meet someone else. You're not dating, duh.
3. Your friends will think you're slutty. Let's not get confused here; it's cool to be slutty, but not cool to be known for being promiscuous among your friends - BIG DIFFERENCE.
Anyway, back to sexting. My next hookup will definitely be for the purpose of sexting at a later date. Even if I think it's an awkward topic to bring up at an opportune moment, it'll probably happen because it's a subconscious goal. It's also awkward to ask people if they're "clean," but you just have to go there.
I'll keep you posted on progress here, but don't hold your breath.
I think the fact that I don't have a sexting friend is reflective of a bigger issue; I don't have a local hookup. I'm really great at meaningless encounters with friend's of friends, but I suck at meeting people myself. There are several problems with friends of friends, all of which I am aware of, yet I make decisions accordingly.
1. You will probably see them again. This highlights all elements of weirdness that happened during the hookup. Maybe you don't remember a series of events or something didn't happen quite the way you had imagined; either way, there's a big fat, partially to fully nude elephant in the room. Let's be real: Unless you're this uber-cool superhuman who doesn't get weirded-out by anything, it will probably be weird EVEN if all went well. TRUST.
2. You will probably drink with them again. It's not like your hardcore-party-all-the-time-both-weekend-days lifestyle is going to come to an end anytime soon. Then what? Don't expect anything to repeat besides the circumstances in which you met the first time. And don't act all crazy when they meet someone else. You're not dating, duh.
3. Your friends will think you're slutty. Let's not get confused here; it's cool to be slutty, but not cool to be known for being promiscuous among your friends - BIG DIFFERENCE.
Anyway, back to sexting. My next hookup will definitely be for the purpose of sexting at a later date. Even if I think it's an awkward topic to bring up at an opportune moment, it'll probably happen because it's a subconscious goal. It's also awkward to ask people if they're "clean," but you just have to go there.
I'll keep you posted on progress here, but don't hold your breath.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
The Whale's Vagina
So a few weeks ago I took a trip to the whale's vagina, which believe it or not, is a name for San Diego that I didn't come up with. It also seems to accurately describe the kind of experience I have when I go. I hit the road on Saturday with a couple of my guy friends fairly early. We decided NOT to drink immediately when we got there, A. because it was noon and B. (most notably) we were already hungover from the night before. Maybe if we had grabbed a few road sodas the idea would have sounded better, but I'm only a fan of talking about drinking and driving, not drinking and driving. Although drinking and re-parking one block away is a different story, and, it should be noted that this happened on my last trip to San Diego. That "I'm only gonna break-break your break-break your heart" song was on, so I felt inspired. Anyway, we get there and decide to grab some burritos. Soon enough, we find out that it's our buddy's birthday; the friend we came to visit and stay with.
Post burrito, we decide it only make sense to pick up a 30 pack and 18 pack of brews on the way home. It was about 1:30PM at this point, so fair game. When we get back to the house, 3 more friends have arrived from Orange County & Pasadena, and we've officially shifted into reunion mode. One guy brought over a strange brandy that somehow tasted okay without being refrigerated.
Fast-forward a couple hours and almost 40 beers later, we end up at a happy hour with $5 pitchers! This is unheard of where I come from, and we had to celebrate. The last time I was in San Diego, my friend lived in the terribly bruh Pacific Beach AKA PB. He now lives in hippytown Ocean Beach, AKA OB. Let me give you 3 reasons why OB is rad:
1. Nobody follows seemingly obvious laws. Parking is unrestricted. That handicapped spot is closer to your house than the other FULLY open block next to it, go for it!
2. Everything is done in cash. This kind of sucks actually, but is easily over-shadowed by the fact that everything is cheap as shit. Top shelf mixed drinks were $3.50 at one bar. I felt like I was back in Africa.
3. WAY less bruhs. I was expecting that SDSU scene and pleasantly surprised to hang with a bunch of high-functioning stoners
It should be noted that one of the people I stayed with has taken up a very serious career. The apartment is dedicated to the growth and continuing knowledge of mushrooms. Not just psychedelic mushrooms either, he doesn't discriminate. Want more information? Grab one of the 6 books in the living room or open the fridge and observe at least 20 bottles of growing mushrooms.
Anyway, back to the story. We end up in this one bar that closely resembles an aquarium. This undersea bliss provided the cheapest drinks I've had in Amurrca. Since drinks were cheap, we bought a ton.
The next bar featured an Irish band playing Flogging Molly-type stuff. I don't remember the name of it, as I was in brown out stages by then, but they were AWESOME. I have some dark spots after they stopped playing, but I do remember meeting up with my cousin. She made the mistake of sober-living that weekend to comply with a diet, and instead, bought me at least 3 drinks that I did not need.
(PAUSE) This is getting a little longer than I planned, and I realize it seems like it may lead to something exciting, but don't get your hopes up. It doesn't.
My crush for the night couldn't hang and went home to lay down at around 12 or so. I say "couldn't hang" because he only did 10 hours of straight boozing, while the rest of us did 11 or 12. One of my friends was so blacked out he decided to make racist/out of context Southpark references, but I'm not even going to get into that. As everyone's going to bed, I combine two sleeping bags to make a little bed surrounded by the 6 other people sleeping in the living room. As much as I want to be slutty, I am NOT down for the group scene. I said crush earlier because I actually have a crush on him, so I was even less inclined to act retarded. We've had a sleepover before, but it was pretty uneventful. Besides that, we could hear super loud strange sex in the room about 2 feet from our heads. We just laughed and somewhat fell asleep.
Thinking back to the last time I saw crush/essentially the first time I met him: I just remembered that he left his belt in my room. Of course I'm dumb and I don't usually think like a super-insecure girl, but I later realized that I could have used the belt as desperation bait! Instead, I brought it back to him at my neighbors house right before he was about to head home. This was even more fail because I had just accidentally informed my neighbors of where he slept.
Anyway, the moral of this story is, if I would have had the slut mindset, I would have hung onto the belt. Just kidding, I hope that's not the moral. The moral is that OB is fucking RAD!
Post burrito, we decide it only make sense to pick up a 30 pack and 18 pack of brews on the way home. It was about 1:30PM at this point, so fair game. When we get back to the house, 3 more friends have arrived from Orange County & Pasadena, and we've officially shifted into reunion mode. One guy brought over a strange brandy that somehow tasted okay without being refrigerated.
Fast-forward a couple hours and almost 40 beers later, we end up at a happy hour with $5 pitchers! This is unheard of where I come from, and we had to celebrate. The last time I was in San Diego, my friend lived in the terribly bruh Pacific Beach AKA PB. He now lives in hippytown Ocean Beach, AKA OB. Let me give you 3 reasons why OB is rad:
1. Nobody follows seemingly obvious laws. Parking is unrestricted. That handicapped spot is closer to your house than the other FULLY open block next to it, go for it!
2. Everything is done in cash. This kind of sucks actually, but is easily over-shadowed by the fact that everything is cheap as shit. Top shelf mixed drinks were $3.50 at one bar. I felt like I was back in Africa.
3. WAY less bruhs. I was expecting that SDSU scene and pleasantly surprised to hang with a bunch of high-functioning stoners
It should be noted that one of the people I stayed with has taken up a very serious career. The apartment is dedicated to the growth and continuing knowledge of mushrooms. Not just psychedelic mushrooms either, he doesn't discriminate. Want more information? Grab one of the 6 books in the living room or open the fridge and observe at least 20 bottles of growing mushrooms.
Anyway, back to the story. We end up in this one bar that closely resembles an aquarium. This undersea bliss provided the cheapest drinks I've had in Amurrca. Since drinks were cheap, we bought a ton.
The next bar featured an Irish band playing Flogging Molly-type stuff. I don't remember the name of it, as I was in brown out stages by then, but they were AWESOME. I have some dark spots after they stopped playing, but I do remember meeting up with my cousin. She made the mistake of sober-living that weekend to comply with a diet, and instead, bought me at least 3 drinks that I did not need.
(PAUSE) This is getting a little longer than I planned, and I realize it seems like it may lead to something exciting, but don't get your hopes up. It doesn't.
My crush for the night couldn't hang and went home to lay down at around 12 or so. I say "couldn't hang" because he only did 10 hours of straight boozing, while the rest of us did 11 or 12. One of my friends was so blacked out he decided to make racist/out of context Southpark references, but I'm not even going to get into that. As everyone's going to bed, I combine two sleeping bags to make a little bed surrounded by the 6 other people sleeping in the living room. As much as I want to be slutty, I am NOT down for the group scene. I said crush earlier because I actually have a crush on him, so I was even less inclined to act retarded. We've had a sleepover before, but it was pretty uneventful. Besides that, we could hear super loud strange sex in the room about 2 feet from our heads. We just laughed and somewhat fell asleep.
Thinking back to the last time I saw crush/essentially the first time I met him: I just remembered that he left his belt in my room. Of course I'm dumb and I don't usually think like a super-insecure girl, but I later realized that I could have used the belt as desperation bait! Instead, I brought it back to him at my neighbors house right before he was about to head home. This was even more fail because I had just accidentally informed my neighbors of where he slept.
Anyway, the moral of this story is, if I would have had the slut mindset, I would have hung onto the belt. Just kidding, I hope that's not the moral. The moral is that OB is fucking RAD!
Sunday, October 11, 2009
The Quest for Birthday Sex
I have a feeling this is going to turn into a confessions blog. I have one upcoming guest confession, and I think we're ready to hop on that train, but first, I'm gonna tell you about my weekend.
This weekend was a good friend's birthday, and his best buddy was in town for the weekend from out of state. As of lately, I've really been focusing on trying to be slutty. I had been hanging out with the boys all weekend, as per usual. We played some beach volleyball, drank some beers, talked about who we would want to have sex with in politics, you know. Funny enough, the popular answer for them was B(h)illary Clinton. I was impressed with this, and it was also refreshing to hear that guys would sleep with anything for power, or better yet, a good story. In fact, they took the "good story" reasoning to a new level, bringing Tipper Gore and Condi Rice into the equation. The convo went a step further when one of the boys started talking about one of MY past hookups (who's also a good friend of theirs). Sometimes, I think that they either forget I'm female or they just don't care. As it turns out, he once slept with a midget for the story. Now while I would like to think that this is awesome, it still turned my stomach a bit. We didn't have sex (evidence of a failed attempt at being slutty), but I still didn't really want to hear about midget sex.
Anyway, later in the night on Saturday (day two of shitfaced weekend birthday bash), after a good number of cocktails, I was discussing promiscuity with the birthday boy. He's unique in the sense that he's a guy and he has no real interest in sleeping with random girls. I find this really interesting, and that night we discussed how we both wished we were just a bit sluttier. We essentially agreed that while it would be fun, neither of us could really do it. Probably less than ten minutes later, I approached his best friend (the one from outta town) at the bar and started chatting. I'm really not a naturally flirty person, so I really have to try unless I'm totally plastered. I'm not sure why I decided to do it right after that convo, since we had been hanging out since like 11 am drinking, but I did. Anyway, we chatted for a while in that bar and then eventually went to a new one, after witnessing the tail-end of a stabbing in front of one bar. I'm getting better at eye contact, but it can be intense. Long story (not so) short, he hinted a few times at the fact that he was not excited about sleeping on the floor, and I pretty much shut him down. I totally cannot deal with these direct comments, obviously, so I failed. At the time, I thought that it would be too weird to hook up with this neighbor's best bud (especially after the promiscuity convo earlier) and also that if I did in fact have another little sleepover, I would have then hooked up with BOTH neighbor's best friends. Now I don't know what y'all think, but this seemed pretty slutty to me. Especially since both of them will be with us in Vegas on New Year's. Maybe I can get them a lil' rrrruunnnnkkkk and have a threesome. Ha, can you imagine how epic of a story that would be for this bloggedy!?
Things I've learned this weekend:
1. You can hypnotize people with eye contact, and get whatever you want.
2. When you hang out with just boys, you automatically win. You just have to claim your prize.
3. My favorite signal is touching. Even something as easy as touching my arm, when done correctly, kinda seals the deal for me.
I think it's time to set some goals:
I have one weekend left for birthday sex. Next weekend is my other neighbor's birthday, and I think we're doing a lil' tailgate party in Pasadena. My sleepover friend is probs gonna be there, (yes, the midget sex one, but I'm just gonna ignore that) so it's officially on.
I see a couple potential issues with this.
1. Mutual grounds: I have a really hard time even making out with someone in public, like outside of a bar or anything, so not having my own house/room could potentially be an issue.
2. Alcohol consumption: While I don't doubt that we will be drinking, someone has to drive home eventually. I might be able to get out of this one, but not without some dramz. Point being, I'm gonna need to be pretty rruuunnkk.
I will keep y'all posted...
On that note, I leave you with a recent post on Texts From Last Night:
(404): I don't even remember his name...I'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
This weekend was a good friend's birthday, and his best buddy was in town for the weekend from out of state. As of lately, I've really been focusing on trying to be slutty. I had been hanging out with the boys all weekend, as per usual. We played some beach volleyball, drank some beers, talked about who we would want to have sex with in politics, you know. Funny enough, the popular answer for them was B(h)illary Clinton. I was impressed with this, and it was also refreshing to hear that guys would sleep with anything for power, or better yet, a good story. In fact, they took the "good story" reasoning to a new level, bringing Tipper Gore and Condi Rice into the equation. The convo went a step further when one of the boys started talking about one of MY past hookups (who's also a good friend of theirs). Sometimes, I think that they either forget I'm female or they just don't care. As it turns out, he once slept with a midget for the story. Now while I would like to think that this is awesome, it still turned my stomach a bit. We didn't have sex (evidence of a failed attempt at being slutty), but I still didn't really want to hear about midget sex.
Anyway, later in the night on Saturday (day two of shitfaced weekend birthday bash), after a good number of cocktails, I was discussing promiscuity with the birthday boy. He's unique in the sense that he's a guy and he has no real interest in sleeping with random girls. I find this really interesting, and that night we discussed how we both wished we were just a bit sluttier. We essentially agreed that while it would be fun, neither of us could really do it. Probably less than ten minutes later, I approached his best friend (the one from outta town) at the bar and started chatting. I'm really not a naturally flirty person, so I really have to try unless I'm totally plastered. I'm not sure why I decided to do it right after that convo, since we had been hanging out since like 11 am drinking, but I did. Anyway, we chatted for a while in that bar and then eventually went to a new one, after witnessing the tail-end of a stabbing in front of one bar. I'm getting better at eye contact, but it can be intense. Long story (not so) short, he hinted a few times at the fact that he was not excited about sleeping on the floor, and I pretty much shut him down. I totally cannot deal with these direct comments, obviously, so I failed. At the time, I thought that it would be too weird to hook up with this neighbor's best bud (especially after the promiscuity convo earlier) and also that if I did in fact have another little sleepover, I would have then hooked up with BOTH neighbor's best friends. Now I don't know what y'all think, but this seemed pretty slutty to me. Especially since both of them will be with us in Vegas on New Year's. Maybe I can get them a lil' rrrruunnnnkkkk and have a threesome. Ha, can you imagine how epic of a story that would be for this bloggedy!?
Things I've learned this weekend:
1. You can hypnotize people with eye contact, and get whatever you want.
2. When you hang out with just boys, you automatically win. You just have to claim your prize.
3. My favorite signal is touching. Even something as easy as touching my arm, when done correctly, kinda seals the deal for me.
I think it's time to set some goals:
I have one weekend left for birthday sex. Next weekend is my other neighbor's birthday, and I think we're doing a lil' tailgate party in Pasadena. My sleepover friend is probs gonna be there, (yes, the midget sex one, but I'm just gonna ignore that) so it's officially on.
I see a couple potential issues with this.
1. Mutual grounds: I have a really hard time even making out with someone in public, like outside of a bar or anything, so not having my own house/room could potentially be an issue.
2. Alcohol consumption: While I don't doubt that we will be drinking, someone has to drive home eventually. I might be able to get out of this one, but not without some dramz. Point being, I'm gonna need to be pretty rruuunnkk.
I will keep y'all posted...
On that note, I leave you with a recent post on Texts From Last Night:
(404): I don't even remember his name...I'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Monday, September 28, 2009
Plan B
So Plan B typically refers to the morning after pill. I'm going to devise a Plan A.
I think getting on birth control is the first step to being slutty. Granted, you could be slutty without being on bc, but that would have to end when you got preggers or died of AIDs. I want to be inspired. If pregnancy (my biggest fear) can be mostly prevented, I think this will help me relax and drink more, you know.
I watched some common signs of sluttiness this weekend and here are some common ideas:
1. Making out on the dancefloor: Not only do you have to be pretty intoxicated to do this, but you'd pretty much have to have no shame, since everyone can and will watch. This is all in public, so just imagine what happens next.
2. You're hanging out with some guy. You realize that he is seeing someone because he CALLS her and she shows up while you guys were hanging out. This may seem like an easily resolved situation, but it can get pretty trashy. Instead of leaving, you choose to compete with the girlfriend...guess who wins. I watched this happen a few weeks ago.
3. You flash someone for a shot. Okay, so maybe this wasn't necessarily on purpose, but that's even better.
If you would like to guest post or contribute to this blog, comment or e-mail me at wishiwasslutty@gmail.com
I think getting on birth control is the first step to being slutty. Granted, you could be slutty without being on bc, but that would have to end when you got preggers or died of AIDs. I want to be inspired. If pregnancy (my biggest fear) can be mostly prevented, I think this will help me relax and drink more, you know.
I watched some common signs of sluttiness this weekend and here are some common ideas:
1. Making out on the dancefloor: Not only do you have to be pretty intoxicated to do this, but you'd pretty much have to have no shame, since everyone can and will watch. This is all in public, so just imagine what happens next.
2. You're hanging out with some guy. You realize that he is seeing someone because he CALLS her and she shows up while you guys were hanging out. This may seem like an easily resolved situation, but it can get pretty trashy. Instead of leaving, you choose to compete with the girlfriend...guess who wins. I watched this happen a few weeks ago.
3. You flash someone for a shot. Okay, so maybe this wasn't necessarily on purpose, but that's even better.
If you would like to guest post or contribute to this blog, comment or e-mail me at wishiwasslutty@gmail.com
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Unsolicited Tips For Happy Living
Secretly, and lately, not so secretly, I've been wishing I was slutty. It would be great to just go to a bar and be totally fine with going home with someone new every weekend. Scratch that, what about every night? I don't know if I am condoning this behavior, just saying it could be fun.
Here are some tips I've gathered from others on how to be slutty:
1. Be the last girl at the bar. Your looks & personality matter less and less the more you (or your potential hook-up) drink. Also, once the lights go on true personalities tend to shine, meaning people quickly realize their search for "companionship" is about to end.
2. Drink heavily. I think this pretty much goes without saying. If you have particularly high or misplaced standards, there is a slight chance that they could disappear for a night, if you "get lucky".
3. Flirt with not only your potential love interest, but all of his friends. This way the guy will notice that he needs to act soon, or if he doesn't, then you may have multiple options. Do I hear threesome?
4. Don't talk to other girls. At the end of the day, where will it get you? As they say on all good reality show competitions, "I'm not here to make friends". Guess what, they're right. If you want to make friends, go to a kickboxing class or bowling alley instead of a bar, I'm sure you'll meet some winners.
5. Keep your eyes (and hands) on the prize. If you're constantly touching someone, appropriately or innapropriately, you're constantly reminding them that you'd hit it. Gotta keep 'em in check yo.
I hope you thoroughly enjoyed these tips for happy living. Be sure to keep us posted with your success stories.
Here are some tips I've gathered from others on how to be slutty:
1. Be the last girl at the bar. Your looks & personality matter less and less the more you (or your potential hook-up) drink. Also, once the lights go on true personalities tend to shine, meaning people quickly realize their search for "companionship" is about to end.
2. Drink heavily. I think this pretty much goes without saying. If you have particularly high or misplaced standards, there is a slight chance that they could disappear for a night, if you "get lucky".
3. Flirt with not only your potential love interest, but all of his friends. This way the guy will notice that he needs to act soon, or if he doesn't, then you may have multiple options. Do I hear threesome?
4. Don't talk to other girls. At the end of the day, where will it get you? As they say on all good reality show competitions, "I'm not here to make friends". Guess what, they're right. If you want to make friends, go to a kickboxing class or bowling alley instead of a bar, I'm sure you'll meet some winners.
5. Keep your eyes (and hands) on the prize. If you're constantly touching someone, appropriately or innapropriately, you're constantly reminding them that you'd hit it. Gotta keep 'em in check yo.
I hope you thoroughly enjoyed these tips for happy living. Be sure to keep us posted with your success stories.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)