The Whale's Vagina

So a few weeks ago I took a trip to the whale's vagina, which believe it or not, is a name for San Diego that I didn't come up with. It also seems to accurately describe the kind of experience I have when I go. I hit the road on Saturday with a couple of my guy friends fairly early. We decided NOT to drink immediately when we got there, A. because it was noon and B. (most notably) we were already hungover from the night before. Maybe if we had grabbed a few road sodas the idea would have sounded better, but I'm only a fan of talking about drinking and driving, not drinking and driving. Although drinking and re-parking one block away is a different story, and, it should be noted that this happened on my last trip to San Diego. That "I'm only gonna break-break your break-break your heart" song was on, so I felt inspired. Anyway, we get there and decide to grab some burritos. Soon enough, we find out that it's our buddy's birthday; the friend we came to visit and stay with.

Post burrito, we decide it only make sense to pick up a 30 pack and 18 pack of brews on the way home. It was about 1:30PM at this point, so fair game. When we get back to the house, 3 more friends have arrived from Orange County & Pasadena, and we've officially shifted into reunion mode. One guy brought over a strange brandy that somehow tasted okay without being refrigerated.

Fast-forward a couple hours and almost 40 beers later, we end up at a happy hour with $5 pitchers! This is unheard of where I come from, and we had to celebrate. The last time I was in San Diego, my friend lived in the terribly bruh Pacific Beach AKA PB. He now lives in hippytown Ocean Beach, AKA OB. Let me give you 3 reasons why OB is rad:

1. Nobody follows seemingly obvious laws. Parking is unrestricted. That handicapped spot is closer to your house than the other FULLY open block next to it, go for it!

2. Everything is done in cash. This kind of sucks actually, but is easily over-shadowed by the fact that everything is cheap as shit. Top shelf mixed drinks were $3.50 at one bar. I felt like I was back in Africa.

3. WAY less bruhs. I was expecting that SDSU scene and pleasantly surprised to hang with a bunch of high-functioning stoners

It should be noted that one of the people I stayed with has taken up a very serious career. The apartment is dedicated to the growth and continuing knowledge of mushrooms. Not just psychedelic mushrooms either, he doesn't discriminate. Want more information? Grab one of the 6 books in the living room or open the fridge and observe at least 20 bottles of growing mushrooms.

Anyway, back to the story. We end up in this one bar that closely resembles an aquarium. This undersea bliss provided the cheapest drinks I've had in Amurrca. Since drinks were cheap, we bought a ton.

The next bar featured an Irish band playing Flogging Molly-type stuff. I don't remember the name of it, as I was in brown out stages by then, but they were AWESOME. I have some dark spots after they stopped playing, but I do remember meeting up with my cousin. She made the mistake of sober-living that weekend to comply with a diet, and instead, bought me at least 3 drinks that I did not need.

(PAUSE) This is getting a little longer than I planned, and I realize it seems like it may lead to something exciting, but don't get your hopes up. It doesn't.

My crush for the night couldn't hang and went home to lay down at around 12 or so. I say "couldn't hang" because he only did 10 hours of straight boozing, while the rest of us did 11 or 12. One of my friends was so blacked out he decided to make racist/out of context Southpark references, but I'm not even going to get into that. As everyone's going to bed, I combine two sleeping bags to make a little bed surrounded by the 6 other people sleeping in the living room. As much as I want to be slutty, I am NOT down for the group scene. I said crush earlier because I actually have a crush on him, so I was even less inclined to act retarded. We've had a sleepover before, but it was pretty uneventful. Besides that, we could hear super loud strange sex in the room about 2 feet from our heads. We just laughed and somewhat fell asleep.

Thinking back to the last time I saw crush/essentially the first time I met him: I just remembered that he left his belt in my room. Of course I'm dumb and I don't usually think like a super-insecure girl, but I later realized that I could have used the belt as desperation bait! Instead, I brought it back to him at my neighbors house right before he was about to head home. This was even more fail because I had just accidentally informed my neighbors of where he slept.

Anyway, the moral of this story is, if I would have had the slut mindset, I would have hung onto the belt. Just kidding, I hope that's not the moral. The moral is that OB is fucking RAD!

Plan B

So Plan B typically refers to the morning after pill. I'm going to devise a Plan A.

I think getting on birth control is the first step to being slutty. Granted, you could be slutty without being on bc, but that would have to end when you got preggers or died of AIDs. I want to be inspired. If pregnancy (my biggest fear) can be mostly prevented, I think this will help me relax and drink more, you know.

I watched some common signs of sluttiness this weekend and here are some common ideas:

1. Making out on the dancefloor: Not only do you have to be pretty intoxicated to do this, but you'd pretty much have to have no shame, since everyone can and will watch. This is all in public, so just imagine what happens next.

2. You're hanging out with some guy. You realize that he is seeing someone because he CALLS her and she shows up while you guys were hanging out. This may seem like an easily resolved situation, but it can get pretty trashy. Instead of leaving, you choose to compete with the girlfriend...guess who wins. I watched this happen a few weeks ago.

3. You flash someone for a shot. Okay, so maybe this wasn't necessarily on purpose, but that's even better.

If you would like to guest post or contribute to this blog, comment or e-mail me at wishiwasslutty@gmail.com

Unsolicited Tips For Happy Living

Secretly, and lately, not so secretly, I've been wishing I was slutty. It would be great to just go to a bar and be totally fine with going home with someone new every weekend. Scratch that, what about every night? I don't know if I am condoning this behavior, just saying it could be fun.

Here are some tips I've gathered from others on how to be slutty:

1. Be the last girl at the bar. Your looks & personality matter less and less the more you (or your potential hook-up) drink. Also, once the lights go on true personalities tend to shine, meaning people quickly realize their search for "companionship" is about to end.

2. Drink heavily. I think this pretty much goes without saying. If you have particularly high or misplaced standards, there is a slight chance that they could disappear for a night, if you "get lucky".

3. Flirt with not only your potential love interest, but all of his friends. This way the guy will notice that he needs to act soon, or if he doesn't, then you may have multiple options. Do I hear threesome?

4. Don't talk to other girls. At the end of the day, where will it get you? As they say on all good reality show competitions, "I'm not here to make friends". Guess what, they're right. If you want to make friends, go to a kickboxing class or bowling alley instead of a bar, I'm sure you'll meet some winners.

5. Keep your eyes (and hands) on the prize. If you're constantly touching someone, appropriately or innapropriately, you're constantly reminding them that you'd hit it. Gotta keep 'em in check yo.

I hope you thoroughly enjoyed these tips for happy living. Be sure to keep us posted with your success stories.